


Memories Turned into Daydreams

by Fondeyeslester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 5 Times, Canon Compliant, Dan Howell-centric, Fluff and Angst, Growth, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, Moving Out, Reality, References to Depression, sad thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 15:04:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17062022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fondeyeslester/pseuds/Fondeyeslester
Summary: He stood there in the middle of an empty room; thinking of the life he had before. Or five times Dan felt insecure and one time he felt comfortable with himself.





	Memories Turned into Daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @fondeyeslester on tumblr if you want to follow me there

Clothes were scattered all over the floor, and the desk was gone. Dan stood in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the piles of empty boxes. A place that had been his home for five years; the one place where he felt safe and protected. A place that embodied the best years of his life, and he was leaving it behind. Even if the house was falling apart slowly, and crumbling before their eyes, and even if they were being penetrated by noise from three different angles, Dan couldn’t help but feel a bit nostalgic. He’d always been one to cherish physical objects, and get sentimental about the little things. Dan stood there looking at his messy room; packing something small every few minutes, but mostly just taking in his surroundings, appreciating the bittersweet moment. As he paced the room, Dan picked an old shirt that didn’t even fit him anymore and threw it into the trash pile. He’d been in that situation for about forty minutes, and the room had barely changed. If anything, there was a bigger mess on the floor. Dan kept pacing, and packing, and over thinking, and pacing, and over thinking, and packing. The trash pile kept growing, and Dan wondered if the storage problem came from him hoarding shit for years, rather than from an actual lack of space. Dan was not even looking at what he took before throwing it unceremoniously into the trash. His thoughts were eating him alive, and he didn’t really know what he was doing. He grabbed something from his shelf and was about to put it with the rest of the trash when he realized he was holding the Tomberi plushie Phil got him for christmas back in 2009. Dan backed away immediately, holding the little plushie close to his chest, as if he’d just save it from a fire and  putting on the floor somehow meant not being able to see it ever again. Dan looked at the toy and smiled.

December 25, 2009

Dan was quiet. His uncle had been ranting about politics for a while, and Dan was trying his best not to storm out in the middle of christmas dinner. As the old man talked Dan could see many of his relatives nodding and smiling. Some were quiet, but no one dared question his uncle’s opinions.  At some point, the man began to talk about gay marriage, and Dan went pale. His uncle kept talking and Dan wanted to cry. He wanted to kick and scream, but he remained quiet. He saw his grandma nodding in approval when his uncle made a particularly crude statement about how, “ homesexual relationships were dirty and unnatural.” Dan’s heart broke. His grandma had always been one of his closest, most loving relatives, and to know she hated who he was destroyed him. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself from crying. A few tears managed to escape, and he noticed his brother looking at him sadly. Dan gave the younger a small smile, thankful for the quiet support. His brother was the only member of the family that knew Dan liked boys, and even though he was only twelve, Dan felt he was the only person in his family he could really talk to.

Dinner was finally over, and the family was gathered in the lounge. Dan was sitting in a corner, feeling isolated and lonely. His cousin tried to have a conversation with him at some point,but Dan had been so unresponsive and aloof that she gave up. He watched as all of his relatives sat and talked. The christmas lights were way too bright, but the voices weren’t loud enough. Dan could see the lovely family scene unfold, but he felt disconnected and lost. All of these people with big smiles on their faces were filled with hatred on the inside. Part of Dan didn’t want to be with a family that didn’t accept who he was, but a bigger part of him wanted to be a part of it. He ached for the closeness. He felt like an outsider, and craved the support and acceptance of his family. So Dan was sitting in the corner, wanting to either disappear or be seen when a familiar voice brought him back to reality.

“Daniel, your uncle just asked you a question.” Dan’s dad said crudely.

“Oh., um…I’m sorry. I guess I was a bit distracted.”

“ Yeah.We noticed.” His Dad answered, clearly annoyed.

“ I was wondering about your plans for university.”

“Oh, I-well I guess I’m-um” Dan stuttered. He really didn’t want to talk about that.

“Dan’s going to be a lawyer.” interrupted his mom, with a big grin on her. “Isn’t that right,honey?” It took Dan a moment to realize she was talking to him, and not his dad.

“Yeah, that’s-yeah.”

“That’s a very good choice, Daniel. Do have  you any school in mind?” His uncle asked.

“Well,  um, I’m thinking maybe Manchester University would be cool.”

“That’s a good school.” The old man said. “Have you applied yet?”

“ N-not yet, but, mm there’s still time.” The boy answered, feeling overwhelmed by all the attention being put on him.

“Dan likes to do things last minute. I don’t know how he’s going to survive university.” His dad said. Dan went red. He wanted to defend himself, but he didn’t want to draw more attention to himself. Besides, his father was just voicing the things he’d been worrying about for months.

“ He’s had a whole year to do it.  He’ll have to get act his together if he wants to succeed.” His dad continued. The man kept talking and Dan’s blush kept growing.

“Dad, can you stop talking about me like I’m not in the fucking room.” Dan said, louder than he’d intended, and regretted it as soon a he did. All of his relatives were staring at him in shock. The moment seemed to last forever. Everyone was silent, and Dan could see his father’s face distort in horror. Dan blushed, and he could feel his eyes get wet. His heart was pounding on his chest from the anxiety of having all of those people staring at him.

“Daniel, language!” His mother said, her voice was harsh, and you could see the annoyed look in her face, but she was still smiling widely, trying to keep up the perfect family act his parents loved to portray. Dan opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again when he met eyes with his dad. The man’s jaw was clenched, and his eyebrows raised. The boy stood up slowly, wanting to be anywhere else. He walked across the lounge, with his head down, and went to his bedroom. He heard his father make a joke about teenagers being dramatic, and tried his best to ignore it. Even though, deep down, he knew he overreacted.

He slammed his door shut, and laid on his bed, looking at the ceiling and cuddling the green plushie Phil had gotten him a week ago.  He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come out. I don’t even have a reason to be upset, he thought. It’s not like he was lying or anything. He was frustrated and overwhelmed. Everyone was laughing, and opening presents downstairs, and there he was throwing a fucking temper tantrum on christmas. It’s not like i belong with them anyway. He laid there for what felt like hours, tears did manage to escape at some point, soaking the little Tomberi. He cried in the darkness of his room, christmas carols setting the mood, until he ran out of tears. He’d been wanting to do something all night, but didn’t in fear of being annoying. He looked at his phone, and then at the wet plushie. Dan hesitated for a moment before making the call. He didn’t answer. Of course he didn’t. It was Christmas, and he was probably spending time with his family.

“Hey this is Phil! I can’t talk right now, but leave your message after the rawr.”

The phone beeped, and Dan opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. There were a million things he wanted to say, but at the same time he had nothing to talk about. He breathed into the speaker before hanging up.

———————-

He kept packing, but he was more careful now, examining objects, before deciding whether he was going to keep them or not. He was looking into his closet, putting his designer clothes neatly into boxes. He hadn’t thrown anything into the trash pile for a while, he didn’t have many old clothes anyway, as he gave them away to charity pretty often. The monotonous task of folding was somewhat relaxing, and kept the anxious thoughts that had been crawling into his mind at bay. Dan tried hard to focus on the folding. He took deep, calming breaths and refused to think about what he was doing and what it meant. It was therapeutic, and soon Dan found himself digging out from the closet things he hadn’t seen in ages. One of Phil’s old shirts, and some things they bought in Jamaica all those years ago. They all went into the trash pile. But what really grabbed Dan’s attention was his old llama hat, sitting at the back end of the closet. Dan cringed slightly at the sight, but couldn’t help smile a little at all the memories that bloody hat had attached to it.

July 18, 2011

Everyone around him was smiling. People he’d never seen acting as if they were old friends. It’s been two years, and still he doesn’t understand the concept of having fans. It’s been two years, and reality hadn’t hit him up until that moment. Sure, he’d been in small gatherings before. He’d met a few people that enjoyed his videos, but that was nothing compared to the queue of teenagers that were there just to meet him. He looked at them, and then at Phil, who also smiling, looking at all of those people in awe. Dan was jealous of how natural it came to the other boy. He’s meant to do this, he thought, remembering the way he’d acted the day before with all of the people they met. Phil was calm and composed. His awkwardness was rather endearing, as opposed to Dan’s, which was irritating and uncomfortable to witness.

The meetup was about to begin. They could hear people talking excitedly about them. Dan had been excited in the morning, but as the day went one he got exhausted and he didn’t even know how to act in this situation. He was walking around the small room, fidgeting nervously.  Dan peeked through the curtain and saw a young girl wearing his new danasour shirt. He knew he should feel proud and grateful, but there was a certain bittersweet taste left in his mouth at the sight. He thought about all the letters and art taped on his bedroom wall. About how he gave a guy an autograph, A fucking autograph as if I were famous or something. Anxiety began to settle in his chest. His thoughts were running wild, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. There were tears in his eyes. Something cold was touching him. There was noise, so much noise. People were waiting to see him. Expectations, and nerves, and self doubt. There were so many thing happening around him, everything at once, and Dan felt disconnected.  He was drowning. He couldn’t see anything, just water. His breaths were shallow. He felt empty, and overwhelmed at the same time. There was  noise. He wanted quiet. His surroundings and his head were way too loud. He couldn’t focus on a single thought. He was vaguely aware of a whisper directed at him. Everything was sharp, but the voice was soft. He tried to focus on it. Tears were still falling freely down his cheeks, and the air could not stay inside his lungs for long, but he saw light. He recognized Phil’s voice. A few words managing to break through the barrier his brain has created.

“Count…. Breathe….Okay….Look,” they began to make sense slowly. He made an effort to do what the other boy told him to. His breathing was settling down slowly, and the view became clearer.

“Yeah, like that. You’re fine Dan.” The older boy said sweetly.

“I-mmm- I…can’t.” Dan choked out.

“Yes you can. Deep breaths.” He tried, but his breathing was still shallow. Sweat was still running down his face. He tried to focus on Phil’s voice that was whispering sweet things in an effort to calm him down.

He was no longer hyperaware of the people staring, or of the screaming teenagers outside. He managed to calm down eventually, and cuddled into Phil’s warm embrace. They stayed like that for a long time, until Dan was breathing normally, and his thoughts were no longer a mess.

“You ready?” Phil asked him. Dan sighed, but nodded slowly.

“It’ll be over soon. I promise.”

“Yeah…Thanks Phil.” said Dan.

“Hey, we’ll be fine. It’ll be fun.”

“I know.”

“Let’s go then.”

They were about to go out into the madness when Dan caught his reflection on a window.  

“Ugh, I look like shit,”

“You look fine,” said Phil smiling sadly,

“I just had a fucking panic attack Phil, shut up,”

“You shut up, you look fine. Really,”

“ My face is red and my hair went all curly. I look like a mess,” Phil sighed but decided against arguing with his boyfriend. Instead, he grabbed their backpack and took out a water bottle and Dan’s llama hat. handing them to the other.

“Thanks,” he said, as he tried to hide the bushy mess inside the llama. Dan was still feeling kind of shaky and spaced out, but he managed to put on a smiled and walked into the crowd.

………………

He ended up keeping the hat, as cringy as it was he just couldn’t bring himself to throw the damn thing away. Dan kept wondering around his bedroom. Papers that he’d put behind the shelves years ago were flooding his floor, and half packed boxes were staring directly at him. He was exhausted and the monotonous task was definitely going to drive him insane at some point. He opened twitter and sat on the messy floor staring at the phone screen without really paying attention to his dash. He could hear Phil packing in the room next to his, humming My Heart Will Go On completely off key. He smiled fondly. and walked over to his piano. Dan began to play the chords of the song, and Phil began to sing louder, his voice was terrible, but Dan kept playing. He could feel the tension going away from his shoulder and a smile growing on his face. Phil walked past Dan’s door. Singing and turning happily.

“Wherever you are and I know…” his voice grew quieter as he walked down the stairs to the lounge, but Dan kept playing. His fingers moved without giving it much thought, it was not their first random rendition of the song and he knew it by heart. His fingers were moving freely, he finished the song, but he did not move. He stared down at the old piano he would be leaving behind and at his big hands. Little scars from various incidents and a thin layer of black nail polish.

………………..

July 24, 2012

The camera was set up, the website was opened and people were tweeting him. He was ten minutes late to the liveshow. Dan started at himself in the mirror one last time, fixed his fringe, took a deep breath and headed to the lounge.  He willed himself to press the button and went live. The chat was already running wild.

YOU’RE LATE

I love you’!!111!

new dinof?

where’s Phil

Are you gay??

He didn’t look at the chat, the beginning was always a mess. He tried to take the conversation to where he wanted it go. Kanye’s new song, the video he filmed that day, the radio show. However, people would always want to talk about something else. Sometimes he would snap at them, but he did try to be nice.

The liveshow was going pretty well, he’d managed to talk about all the things he wanted to, and was just reading the chat; talking about whatever they told him to and reading without processing first.

“Would you ever paint your nails, asked Katie,” he read and then felt his face get a bit warm. He used to paint his nails back in high school. Nail polish and eyeliner went with the emo look he craved back then. Dan loved to do it.  He remembered looking at his hands and smiling at how soft and nice it looked. He couldn’t do it anymore, though. What would people say then?

“I-um. No, i’m not gonna d-do that…. I’m just, mmm not comfortable enough with my sexuality to paint my fingernails,” as soon as he said it Dan realized how weird it sounded. The chat went mad again.

Lol what?

what you mean?

ARE YOU GAY?

Phan!!11!

“I’m joking,  I’m joking” he said, trying to keep his voice steady so that people wouldn’t know he was shaking on the inside. He was mortified. People kept freaking out and he could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, his twitter going crazy. He gave the camera weak smile and tried desperately to change the subject, but he knew tumblr would be freaking out and the pressure was something he didn’t know if he could handle.

When the liveshow finally ended Dan walked into the bedroom and found Phil scrolling through his phone. The older boy looked up at him and smiled warmly. Something inside Dan broke. Things hadn’t been that great between them, but at the end it didn’t really matter. Dan got into the bed and cuddle with his boyfriend, who hugged him tightly. They did not talk, they barely did at that point, but that didn’t mean they would support each other unconditionally.

Things might be shit, Dan thought, but at least Phil is there.

……………….

He procrastinated his packing for a while, hours went by and Dan kept playing the piano. He stood up eventually, the sky was getting darker and he couldn’t hear Phil running around his bedroom anymore. He began to pack again. He was almost done with the closet. He began looking through his shoes, finding some that he hadn’t worn in years. He really did have a lot of useless crap.He kept looking through his things until he found the running shoes he bought around christmas three years before. He hadn’t use them that much really, but he couldn’t throw some perfectly good shoes away, so he went to put them in the bag with everything else. Maybe he would finally take up running once they moved to the new place.

……………

December 18, 2014

As the two men entered Starbucks Dan wondered how some people could literally blog everyday of their lives. They’d been doing it for a few hours and he was already exhausted. Of course, most daily bloggers don’t have a secret relationship  to hide. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy it. He truly loved his job, but he’d always appreciated his privacy  as well.  They didn’t go outside that much, so they used the opportunity to do all the things that they had been procrastinating for ages. Dan actually enjoyed himself. He’d been dreading that day. He didn’t like the way his voice was a bit higher when the camera was on, the need to be funny at all times. The last time they did a day in the life he was very stressed out, but that day wasn’t like that. It might have been the festive vibes, or the way Phil made sure to record only what was necessary, maybe he was just well rested for a change; for whatever reason Dan actually had a great time. He and Phil walked around London, smiling like idiots, making stupid jokes and bathing in the excitement that the upcoming year would bring them.

It was getting dark and the camera was off. the boys were walking in circles, talking quietly, the back of their hands brushing from time to time.   

“Maybe we should blog it, so that we can look back at all the process when it’s over,” Phil said, excitement clear in his eyes,

“Yeah, we could do that. Upload the video the day the book comes out,”

“It’s weird. the whole book and tour thing,”  

“I’m exhausted just thinking about it,” Dan complained, but Phil could easily tell that the younger boy was looking forward to it,

“What are we even gonna do on tour though? like a meet and greet type thing…”

“I don’t know. I don’t want it to be like a generic vidcon thing anyone would do. A Dan and Phil tour has to be like this weirdly epic stage show extravaganza,” Phil laughed at his boyfriend’s word, a fond smile growing on his face.

“What’s your artistic vision, Dan?” Phil teased,

“It has to be a huge representation of our youtube channels,and our audience, and like have reference to what we are now but also the olde stuff, you know?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh, and it has to end in a musical number,”

“ A musical number?” asked Phil laughing. Dan just nodded.

They talked for a while longer about their plans for the book and the tour. Dan was static but nervousness was beginning to settle in his stomach. The camera was back on, Phil was ranting about something, but Dan was not really listening to what Phil was saying, the boy was daydreaming, thinking about the crazy year that was coming their way. He was still happy, but anxious thoughts about the future were beginning to crawl their way into Dan’s mind. “A musical number? you can’t even walk up the stairs without running out of breath”  he thought. His mind continued going down that path for a bit, but it was not that easy to focus on your existential crisis when you were in the middle of London and your boyfriend was blogging and being a huge dork. Eventually they walked pass a Nike store, and Dan told Phil that he wanted to go in,

“What for?” the older one asked,

“I wanna take up running in 2015,” Phil raised an eyebrow but remained quiet.

“What?” Dan asked, “I wanna be fit for the tour and stuff,”

“I didn’t say anything,” said Phil, following Dan into the store.

……………….

He was finally making progress, most things had already been sorted into one of the messy piles and the floor could be seen again. He walked around the room, picking stuff up and putting it in boxes. He thought he would feel more emotional, but when he looked at the white walls Dan realized that he wasn’t leaving anything behind. All the things that actually meant something to him were going with them, so he kept packing. It was weird to look at the empty walls; the room didn’t feel his anymore and Dan felt more excited that he thought he would, the nostalgia he had been feeling before gone. His thoughts were interrupted by Phil’s voice, shouting from the other end of the flat.

“What?” Dan shouted back and was met with another unintelligible scream. Dan sighed, but kept working on his packing until Phil came into the room, wearing his glasses and the emoji pajamas that Dan hated so much.

“What do you think we should do with the Dil head?” Phil asked,

“Phil, he’s our child we can’t just leave him behind,”  

“ Do we really want to take him to the new place? Where would we even put him?”

“The whole point in moving is that we’ll have more storage,” said Dan,

“I guess, I still don’t think we should take it though,”

“It’s a physical reminder of the tour,” Dan said defensively,

“We made a book to  remind us of the tour,”

“Anyone can buy the book, there’s just one giant head of our virtual son, Philip,”

“Ugh fine, we’ll keep it,” Phil said, trying and failing to seem annoy,

“Thank you,”

…………………..

October 8, 2015

People outside were singing breaking free to the top of their lungs, the crew was walking around screaming and getting things ready, director Ed and Phil were talking in a corner, and Dan was just standing there, freaking out. It was a good kind of panic, though. excitement and fear all coming together. It was exhilarating. He  was fidgeting, over thinking, messing with his hair. It’s actually happening. He heard a woman’s voice. The show was about to begin. He was brought back to reality by Phil whispering in his ear.

“You ready?”

“As ready as I’ll never be. You?”

“I’m just focusing on not falling off the stage,” Dan laughed at that; knowing that Phil just wanted to see him smile.

“It might not happen today, but it’ll happen eventually,”

“Thanks Dan,” Phil said.

Dan smiled, he looked at his boyfriend and at his surroundings. He heard the people freaking out,

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” said Dan,

“I know, feels like yesterday we were thinking about writing a book and now this is all happening. It’s weird,”

“Yeah it’s surreal,” Dan said and then added, “It’s got to be great,”

“It’ll be amazing,”

“It can go wrong at any moment,”

“It’ll be great even if it does,” Phil reassured him. He looked at Dan lovingly and the latest felt a bit more calmed.

“Thanks Phil,”

The video began playing on the microwave, and the boys went quiet. Their eyes shining. They looked at each other one last time, taking it all in.

Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?

The crowd screamed and they walked on to the stage.

………………….

The rooms were done. All the memories were packed into boxes and the only thing left were the plain white walls. They didn’t mean anything without the objects that gave them life. Dan was surrounded by emptiness, but his heart had never felt so full. He walked out of the bedroom and saw a bunch of boxes with Phil’s stuff on them; he wondered if Phil had gotten as emotional as he did while packing. It was weird to see the flat so plain, boring. When they first decided to move out Dan thought it would be hard to leave five years of history behind them, but as he walked into the lounge and saw Phil struggling to take the mirror down without breaking it Dan realized that the history was not in the house, it was not in the objects that were going to fill up the new place, it was their history and wherever they go the memories will be.

So Dan helped Phil pack the lounge. They talked and laughed doing it.Together they imagined how their new house would look like. It wasn’t that different to what they already had, all the things that meant something to them were going to be there. They were both going to be there, and even if the objects that surrounded them didn’t change that much they definitely did.

It was April 26, 2017 and Daniel Howell was standing in an apartment that had been his home for five years, his hair was curly, his nails were black, he was wearing a pastel pink shirt that was way too big for him, and he was happy. He was finally comfortable with who he was. He kept packing, and thinking, and packing and thinking until the sound of a camera and of Phil’s soft giggles took him out of his daydream.

“You look like you’ve completely given up,”  Phil said with a smile as he showed Dan the picture he just took of him. Dan laughed as well, looking fondly at Phil,

“I haven’t though, far from it,” he answered.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is meant to reflect the end of an era for Dan and Phil, I like to think of it as a celebration of who they are now and a way to look back on what they once were, or what they were for me I guess. If you go to my tumblr you can see the art made for this fic


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